Over the years, we’ve talked to innumerable sommeliers on what they like to drink when they go out–and if we go by the age-old adage that one can judge a person by what they drink (check out what The Huffington Post had to say about that), we would be forced to admit that sommeliers are pleasure-seeking oddballs with an inordinate love for pink and orange. So instead of our usual coterie of sommeliers, as we kick off April (and welcome the remake of one of our more favorite childhood movies about romanticized Stockholm Syndrome and PTSD induced delusions of musical numbers with household furniture), we thought we’d pose the same question to a few celebrity friends.:
Released on good behavior a few weeks back, Gaston enjoys all the attentions he’s been getting due to the live action film Beauty & the Beast. While he has been working hard to show the world that he is still pompous and arrogant as ever, he has taken up drinking fine wine in his time off. When he isn’t chugging eggs by the dozen, he enjoys grabbing all the [yellow tail] he can–“the ladies can’t resist the kangaroo”. Gaston initially wanted to make his own wine but found no time due to the onerous time constraints imposed by hunting and womanizing.
Although she’s been laying low since 2014 Maleficent is generally acknowledged as a connoisseur of both fiery spirits and headwear (sometimes both together). Unbeknownst to the public, Maleficent has stocked an overflow supply of Fireball in her dungeon. She does not know if the fireball mascot is a relative of hers but believes that “sales could easily quadruple” had she been asked to be the face of the brand (Sales went from 1.9 million to 61 million in just two years thanks to social media). While we were curious to know if her fire-breath smells like cinnamon since she drinks a copious amount of the whisky-based liquor, having fire spat at us didn’t seem a good way to spend a Friday, so we thought we’d just assume that her fragrant breath is Fireball enhanced rather than product of fancy-schmancy toothpaste.
Hook would like everyone to know that Captain Morgan and he are not friends, but mortal enemies–even though they have never met. He believes that Morgan is an unfit captain, because “he spends more time with his leg up on a barrel than helming a ship.” When we mentioned that both he and Morgan seem to have the same taste in clothing (crimson jacket with gold trims, frilly white cravat underneath), Hook is quick to point out that Morgan is “simply a copycat who has no fashion sense of his own, and frankly that cape is just garish like some hobo-vampire.” Captain Hook’s drink of choice, is, in fact, Popov Vodka. He commends the convenient plastic bottle to be most suitable for traveling at sea. The Captain declined our request to share his favorite jungle juice recipe stating that the secret is all in the “hook”. When we asked if the rusted hook would pass food safety code, he claims that no pirate had ever had to follow any rules of any kind, and Yelp is not a thing, especially not in Neverland.
Ursula the Sea Witch surprised us with her drink of choice, mostly because we had forgotten that Midori(s) are still stocked in bars across the country. Sticky sweet and terrifyingly neo-hued, Midori is a melon flavored liqueur exclusively made in Japan until 1987, consisting primarily of sugar, green dye, radioactive waste, and human despair. Ursula admitted that Midori is a key ingredient in the concoction that allowed her to take Ariel’s voice back in 1989 as well as in the plot to convince CBS to greenlight The Ghost Whisperer in 2005. She is quick to mention that the bottle is a great way to trap any mermaids/ mermen who are into “human trinkets” and odd club-like objects. We suspect that the high sugar content in the Midori may have contributed to Ursula’s plump figure, but did not get a chance to confirm because Ursula passed out on the ocean floor during our interview after an extended bout of evil-ish, melon-scented laughing.